so down...

I feel a bit “emo” today. I miss my high school days; doing the same routine everyday, meeting the same people I’ve been with since I was in my preschool days, same teachers; same faces, same personalities, same attitudes. It doesn’t give me much tension. Maybe because I always know what’s going happen, only surprise quizzes will make a day different but I can always make through it smoothly. I miss ME, the ME that can write beautiful poems right there and then and being appreciated by people around me. The ME that can get loose any time and not be judged, the ME that gives a very good laugh every day.

Remembering my last days in high school was very chaotic. When the UPCAT results were released during the weekend, that very Monday, during the flag ceremony, the school officials proudly announced the UPCAT passers. Some were jumping for joy, some were crying because they didn’t make it. Me? It’s like I don’t care about what’s happening around. I knew it I won’t make it there. For me there are LOTS of other universities out there and I passed one, but I’m not satisfied. I want to go to either one of the “trinity.” Because of my uncertainty of my school and the course I would like to take, I lost track. And this time is bigger. It not like in love where I can accept every ill-fated day whole-heartedly, without regretting every thing I’ve done. This is different; it’s my future that is on the line. It’s my future that is at risk. Or maybe I’m just too insecure that MOST of my batch mates will go to one of the “trinity” while me in a university owned by the manila’s old-rich families (they say… maybe it’s true and it can also be a sugar coating so I won’t feel bad). I really wanted to take BS Psychology. But planning to transfer to UP the next semester or next S.Y. gave me second thoughts. I was worried that the chemistry subject might become a problem; I’m not that good at it. So I planned to shift my course to Mass Communication (my second choice). Everything was doing well, except for the thought that I’ll be living on my own in Makati, the busiest city. Walking alone on the unfamiliar and busy streets of Makati scares me, if only I can live inside the malls and have a bridge there connected to my school, then it’ll be fine. And I don’t know how to cross the street; I’m not even used to commuting alone. Everything is sooo unclear. I can’t see my future (that gave me the thought that I won’t live any longer). Then 3days before the opening of classes, an unsolicited advice changed everything, not for the better, but for worse. I backed out. Good thing we still got the refund for the tuition (which we will be returning to one sponsoring me. one of the owners of this university happened to be the family of my grandfather’s sister-in-law. They learned that I took the entrance exam of their school and they volunteered to give me a private scholarship) and uniforms, but unfortunately we haven’t got the refund for my apartment. My mom got hysterical, so mad at me because everything is “planstado” na. All I’ve gotta do is to transfer my things to my apartment. Then the next thing happened was I had an immediate enrollment in a Colegio just by the next town, which I really NEVER wished to study in to. But I have no choice. I enrolled in an HRM (hotel and restaurant management) course which I also never thought of giving it a try. During the first semester, I am learning to enjoy it especially the nutrition and English subjects (where I am always the highest). But now, I’m half way done with the second semester and I’m scared to fail the expectations of my mom. She has really high faith in me that I can make it to UP this time. Based on my grades during the first sem, I am really good. But now, I guess I’m still good but I don’t want to expect a lot. I lost my interest in HRM. I have teacher who seems do the “guessing game” in giving grades in quizzes and seat works. And I’m afraid I’ll get low grades in her. They say I can’t get a line 7. I’m afraid. Really afraid.

But, honestly, I’m not that really into UP now. I’m considering other schools like Malayan or exclusive schools in Manila or just any school that has a name and good reputation, just not this school I’m into now! But then I know, they won’t allow me, after I backed out before. If they won’t allow me to go back to manila, then being able to transfer to UP would be fine. I’ll just think of ways to survive when I get there.

Oh, please help me. You’re the One holding my fate, so please, get me back on track. I really can’t afford to see my mom being heart broken because I failed her dream for me on going to UP. She’s doing me a lot of favors right now, the debut, my medicines, my check-ups, eating out, my allowance, the get-well-soon cake, and her sudden change of attitude. I don’t want her to be bitter again to me. I don’t want to fail her. I don’t want to get line of 7’s anymore. Please change my Filipino teacher’s mind of giving me grades and the NSTP… they are all killing me inside. Please, I’m really bothered. I want to transfer to UP para sa ikatatahimik ng buhay naming pare-pareho and of course, my future’s sake.

My first blog post for the year

This is my first blog post for this year! Yes, my last post was last November. Since then, i haven't visited this site again. i don't know if i'm just too busy or what or maybe, PROBABLY i'm just too lazy to record the unpleasant changes i've gone through for the past few months. *sigh*
i miss blogging so much! a lot of things have happened. a lot of realizations have been realized. a lot of things have changed. *ting!*

but now, i might start blogging again. write a post everyday... (i'll try. =D) and i need to practice my writing skills *twink* (somewhere else...) so, i guess it's best to practice it here. i wasn't able to enroll in an english class this sem because of unavailability of rooms/teachers...etc. whatever the hell their reasons are. i hate it. that's the only subject where i excel the most then i woudn't have it for five months?! but, i still have lots of alternatives so i won't forget my lessons and improve my skills -- reading my old textbooks, novels, watching cable tv series (and playhouse disney!), writing and writing and writing and more reading!